And I Don't Want to Die
by The Girl in the Red Jacket
Summary: I'm not sure how to describe this. But I'm warning everyone now it's not my usual writing style and it very morbid.


Disclaimer: Wow. After this I'm not sure I'd even want to own them! 

Author's Note: This is probably the darkest thing I've ever written. I have no idea what came over me or where the hell this came from. This is not usually my style but...woah, I just sat down and it came. Please review. It's really weird so tell me what you honestly think. This is not for kiddies, folks. Very disturbing. I shocked the hell out of myself when I was writing it. Also, the views expressed about suicide are not my own, they are just views I know exsist.

**Edited to add: This used to be a song fic but those aren't allowed anymore. So there are lines where the lyrics used to be. The song is...I can't remember but it's by David Usher. It's better with the lyrics in it but anyway...**

**And I Don't Want to Die**

He could feel it running through his veins, pushing himself towards an unforgiving, forever darkness. It did not hurt though, he was thankful for that. It could have hurt if they had waited. If they had let his body shut down on its own, just slowly disintegrate, it would have been more painful for all the parties involved. This way was better.

He could feel strong arms holding him, keeping him safe even as he was dying, making sure he knew he was loved, making sure he knew he would be missed when he was gone.

* * *

"It's all okay. It's almost over now. It's almost over. You're almost free."

He was not sure what he was free of. He did not want this. He had never wanted to die like this, at just barely the age of eighteen. But there had not been any other way. He knew the dying part was non-negotiable and at least he had gotten to do it this way, on his own terms.

He had been given two weeks and told that, in that time, his body would degenerate at a painful, rapid rate, until he had no control over his body. Zordon had wanted to hook him up to the Zeo crystal somehow to supplement his fading life energy. It would have given him a few extra days, maybe a week, if he was lucky. He had refused. He had asked for five days to put his affairs in order and something to end it quickly. He would not become a burden to the people he cared most about.

* * *

At this point he was to far gone to make out who was holding him as he drifted. His body was going numb. He could not really feel anything below his waist anymore. But he could feel the hands that were petting him gently, trying to sooth him. He was not sure why he was being soothed. He was not in pain, just like they had planned.

"...love you...tell...love you..." He could here his own voice speaking, trying to get out his last messages. He knew he had already said everything that he had needed to but the compulsion to say something to the man trying so hard to make this as easy as he could for him was overpowering.

"I know. We all know. We all love you too." The voice was tearful to match the tiny droplets that were falling down onto his face. "I love you, bro. You're my best friend. I love you and I always will. I'll always remember you."

If he could have, he would have smiled, tried to assure him that he did know, that he had always known.

"...tommy..." He was not sure if he had said it in his head or out loud. He wanted it to be out loud. Wanted Tommy to know he knew who was there with him.

Only the slippery memories of earlier could tell him who was there with him. His vision had blurred and blacked instants or minutes ago. He was not sure. His eyes could have simply slid closed. All he knew was that the blackness had claimed his vision already and it was claiming the rest of him too.

* * *

His long time mentor and his friends had been shocked at the request. But he knew what it was like to watch someone waste away and, though he knew he would go more quickly, he would not putting them through that. If Zordon denied him, he would find some way to do it on his own. It would probably be more painful for him, and harder, but he would still go through with it to spare them all.

But Zordon had understood and had had Alpha prepared him a drug that would kill him quickly, with no pain at all.

His friends had tried to talk him out of it at first. They had been so optimistic about finding a cure, finding something that would stop his body from shutting down. Then Zordon had spoken to him, had told them the grim truth that there was no way. It was a first. There had always been a way before, however unlikely. Not this time. Not for him.

His parents had been told everything that had been going on for the last four years. They had been so proud of him when they found out he had been responsible for saving the world on several occasions and devastated to learn they were going to lose him because of his involvement. It had been a long night, talking with them, just being with them.

The seizures had started that night.

He had been off colour for weeks. Ever since he had given his last set of Powers up he had been getting weaker and sicker. But they all thought he would improve, not die. Really, it had taken him two months to get to this point but the last stage had been brutal and fast. It had been very painful, and he had not even had to experience the worst days at the end.

The teleportation unit was all but put to his disposal. He visited Switzerland, and had spent time holding the girl he loved while she cried over losing him. He had visited Florida and advised his 'little sister' one last time. He had visited Africa and learnt more about a team-mate he had not had the time to get to know very well. He had even made the trip to Aquitar, and spent the night sitting up with his oldest friend, his 'little brother', and cried with him over the unfairness of it all.

A little planning behind his back had arranged for all of the Rangers, past and present, to meet at the Power Chamber for his last night. They had made over the Chamber. It was filled with couches, blankets, pillows, enough food to feed an army and all the people who cared for him the most. Alpha and Billy had scrambled to develop something that would keep him pain and seizure free for his last few hours, as both had increased greatly over his five days. It would only last about twelve hours but that was enough. He had been able to spend a wonderful night with all his friends and his parents.

The next morning they had all hugged and kissed him, telling them how much they loved and would miss him as they cried. He had been crying too and saying just how much he cared about them right back. There was no room for embarrassment; in less than an hour he would not be there to feel it anyway.

* * *

He was really floating now. It was the strangest feeling. He knew he was still breathing, if very shallowly, but he could feel nothing, not even the touch of the ground beneath him. He felt like he was somehow beginning to fly away.

There was one thing he felt. Gentle fingertips now ghosting over his face, caressing him so softly, so tenderly, he was not even sure if they were real.

* * *

Tommy had gone with him. He would never know where they had actually gone. Zordon had told him he would take care of it and he had. They had ended up on a cliff somewhere, overlooking an ocean he was pretty sure did not exist on Earth. It had been breathtakingly beautiful, and he was glad to have seen it.

Tommy had refused to let him go on his own from the start. He would not let his best friend die alone. He had not been sure of it but as they had sat down together, and he had been pulled tenderly into Tommy's arms he had been glad of his friend's presence. Tommy refused to let go of him, and had held him close as he had taken out the needle.

But before he could inject himself, Tommy had pulled it away from him. "Don't."

"Tommy..." He began.

But Tommy continued on, staring down at the clear liquid in the syringe as he spoke. "I can't let you do this. I've always been taught that all suicides go to hell. I can't let that happen to you. You're too good a man."

"You have to give me back the needle, Tommy." He said as gently as he could. "If I'm going to die now, I'm doing it on my terms. I have to."

"No, you don't understand." Tommy eyes had been filled with tears as he looked down into those of his brother. "I won't let you kill yourself. But...But, since you want it this way, let me do it. I can't let you go to hell."

"Tommy..." He had not expected this. He really was not sure how to react. "I can't let you. I won't have this on you conscience."

"If you have to die you're going to die on your terms." Tommy told him. "I respect that. But if you have to go now then we're doing it on my terms. I can't save you from this; we both know that, but...let me protect you, please. I have to."

He could not deny Tommy this. The chocolate brown eyes that stared deep into his, haunted but so full of love he could feel it as though it were physically touching him, would allow him no other course of action. He reached up and wiped away the tears that had split down Tommy's cheeks.

"Okay." He said.

Tommy sighed, and gathered him close. For a few moments, they simply stayed like that, wrapped in each others arms, each preparing the other for what was about to come.

Then he had pressed his lips tenderly against Tommy's forehead. "You are my best friend and my brother, Tommy. I love you with all my heart."

"I love you too." Tommy had whispered brokenly.

He sighed, "It's time."

Tommy had nodded jerkily and shifted so he was cradled in his arms. The drugs could be injected anywhere, but it happened faster if they went into a vein. As Tommy pressed the needle into the skin both boys were pretty sure he had found one. His eyes had glazed over almost before the liquid had been completely injected and within seconds he had begun to loose feeling.

* * *

He was not really there anymore. All that was left was the sensation of being wrapped warmly in a blanket of love, not just Tommy's but all of theirs. He was not happy to be leaving them but he was not afraid. He could not be afraid, not when he was being so tenderly cradled. Not when he knew this was what he would always feel, no matter what happened after his heart stopped.

* * *

Tommy Oliver sobbed as his communicator beeped and Zordon's voice told him there was only one heart still beating within fifty miles of where he sat. He pressed the body of his best friend against his chest and continued to stroke his dark hair.

He was dimly aware that the others had, after Zordon's message, teleported in. All he realized was the he was suddenly surrounded by the other Rangers, and that they were hugging him, grieving with him. Tommy continued to cry as enfolded into a protective circle of many arms and shoulders.

And in his arms, smiling softly in final contentment, Jason Lee Scott lay, his eyes closed as if he were simply sleeping.


End file.
